Monday, January 28, 2008

Snark on snark violence

Megan tries out some snark, and still looks stupid. I'm bored so I'll do a more thorough SOTU liveblogging shoot-down. Note to anyone who cares, I didn't watch the ridiculous thing.

I am sitting in my apartment with a few other journalists, eating chips and watching the State of the Union. Bush looks like he has been preserved in formaldehyde; the Democrats look as if he is a particularly disgusting specimen they are being forced to examine, like a fetus with two heads. Hillary Clinton is, one can't help but notice, making sure the cameras catch her hugging every minority in the room. Barack Obama is staring at the ceiling as if he were actually planning to rise above all of this.

This paragraph contains a lot of stupid. You'd think after some practice her writing style might improve. I'll just address the first sentence. Megan, you are NOT a journalist.

and we're off:
9:15 Handshaking over! Now speech

Pointless opener over! Now stupid commentary!
9:17 Grave danger that tax relief will not be made permanent! Not very specific about what the danger is, exactly, other than George W. Bush's taxes going up.
Um, you mean "if tax relief not made permanent!"? Or is the bad grammar joke being that pervasive?
9:18 Republicans leap to their feet. Barack studiously sitting down and looking serious, with two fingers pressed over his pursed lips. One of the other journalists wonders if this is some sort of signal. Perhaps "Beam me up, Scotty".
Is there a way to look studious and not serious? Also, WTF are you talking about with the signal? Who would he be signaling? Where do you find other journalists as stupid as you are?
9:24 Okay, I love me some trade deals. But even I find it hard to believe that the greatest threat to human liberty today is the specter that Panama may not be able to sell us handmade hats.
Commas go between clauses, Megan, but you're retarded so it'll never happen.
9:29 Calling for bans on the patenting of human life. Thank God, because after what the Patent office has done with computer algorithms, I'm afraid I'd find myself paying royalties to some guy in Idaho every time I take a deep breath.
Don't know the background on this, but I find it hard to imagine there is a reasonable parallel between something written by a human and a baby, unless fucking counts as writing. Actually, Megan's such an emotionless robot, the two just might be equivalent on many levels in her mind. Also, what has the patent office done with computer algorithms? I mean, other than patent them.
9:32 The speculation on who tonight's SOTU special guest stars will be is growing to a fever pitch here at Stately McArdle Manor. Best guess so far: Heath Ledger's family.
Because of the extreme political importance of Heath Ledger? Also, stately is an adjective and does not get capitalized. Also, if you're gonna get all swanky and use a colon, why not go ahead and make the part before it a complete clause?
9:34 President Bush says that illegal immigration is complicated, but it can be resolved, and must be resolved. But illegal immigration is probably the least complicated issue out there. The 3-10X wage differential across the US-Mexico border draws people here to work; it's hard to patrol more than a thousand miles of border. Unlike almost any other issue, there aren't really any complicated, wonky proposals out there that ordinary citizens have a hard time wrapping their brain around. The main proposal is a wall. Walls are not really very hard to understand
Yes, Megan, it's just a wall. It has nothing to do with the 12 million human beings already living here. Human beings and what to do with them is simple! Bonus points if it took you less than five minutes to figure out that "3-10X" means three to ten times. Guess she still needs to brush up on some of the finer points of her coding syntax.
9:39 Don't forget to play along at home
There's a drinking game for The SOTU? WOAH NELLY THAT INTERNET THING IS WHACKY! WHAT OTHER OBSCURE THINGS HAVE YOU FOUND?
9:41 Thoughtfully, from one of my guests: "It's hard to differentiate between cheers and boos sometimes.
Said thoughtful guest went on to pontificate about why it's always in the last place you look and what the real reason behind the chicken crossing the road was.
9:42 President Bush says that 80,000 Iraqi citizens are fighting the terrorists. This implies something disturbing about the other 25,920,000 Iraqi citizens.
War supporters and two time G.W. voters are hereby banned from snarking about the Iraq war, you soulless, thoughtless, overgrown sock sniffer.
9:46 The segment on Iraq is problematic: he wants to reassure Americans that they won't have to sacrifice much more, and scare the bejeesus out of the terrorists with our steely resolve. These are mutually exclusive goals
Megan comes to the startling conclusion that Bush has no idea what he's talking about vis-a-vis Iraq. I think she might be onto something.
9:51 Peace in Israel/Palestine. And a pony! Why does every American president with a grim-looking prognosis for their legacy try to salvage everything at the 11th hour by swashbuckling into Jerusalem with no political capital to spend and praying for a miraculous resolution of the least tractable conflict of the last 50 years?
Megan comes to the startling conclusion that Bush has no idea what he's talking about vis-a-vis foreign policy. I think she might be onto something.
9:55 Making fun of State of the Union speeches feels a little cheap. These speeches always have the informational content of a Highlights Rebus, and they're never more vacuous than in the last year of a presidency. George Bush isn't going to do anything in the next 12 months; the biggest achievement he can hope for right now is to veto a whole bunch of earmarks. And that isn't even his fault; no president gets anything done in their last year. So why make fun of him? Well, because if you want less of something, you should raise the price of it. Me, I want fewer vacuous political speeches.
Self awareness.... WHAT THE FUCKING HELL? Was that a horsemen I just saw outside my window. Also, if you knew it was going to be pointless, why throw a party in it's honor and bore us with one of your longest posts ever? Oh, right, because you're an idiot.
9:58 Oh. My. God. As soon as the Bush says the word "African", CNN cuts to apparently specially staged woman in full African gear, with a child wrapped in a leopard print throw. "Cue human props!"
Megan comes to the startling conclusion that Bush is disingenuous. I think she might be onto something.
9:59 And yet, he's talking up the Millenium project, which is actually one of the great things this administration has done. This doesn't get nearly enough good press.
Don't know what that is. Don't care. I'm sure whatever she said about it is idiotic, though.
10:01 Bush sounds like he's telling the little nations that if they drink their milk, some day they will grow up to be just like America
Megan sounds like she's saying that if you use enough horribly cliched metaphors, you too can become a professional writer.
10:02 Let us go forth to do their business? Was that seriously the last line of his final State of the Union speech? Are we toilet training them? Who's writing his speeches these days--the copywriters for Charmin?
Um, does anyone say to their kids that pooping is "going forth and doing business?" Yet another reason to be thankful she didn't procreate. Also, Charmin sells toilet paper. Toilet paper is used by adults. Megan, I'm not sure if I've said this before, but you really are idiotic.
10:04 Wolf Blitzer ponderously declares "The state of the union will, he says, remain strong" as if this were somehow remarkable. Was he thinking that George Bush might come out and recite The Second Coming?
Megan ponderously notices that television news casters aren't the most trenchant. Oh my God, it's like infinite recursion.
10:06 The commentators are discussing the possibility that George Bush will achieve piece in Israel/Palestine as if this were remotely feasible. Personally I think it would be even more remarkable if he suddenly developed the ability to heal the blind.
Compared to some to some of the bullshit you spout, I think peace in the Middle East is a fucking shoe in.
10:17 There's something really odd about being in the middle of a hotly contested Democratic primary involving two sitting senators, and having the Democratic response to the State of the Union be delivered by . . . the governor of Kansas.
Megan, you yourself pointed out how meaningless this speech is and now you're criticizing the Democrats for not treating it with enough heft? So much for that glimmer of self awareness before.
10:22 She is asking the President to "join them". This seems unlikely. Also, even if he did, having a lame duck president with low double-digit approval ratings on your side is not all that helpful.
Um, maybe she means "Stop vetoing every fucking bill the American public clearly wants passed you shit head." You do realize that, though he sucks, the president is still and important person, right Megan?
10:24 "I know government can work, Mr President, because like you, I grew up in a family devoted to public service." This makes it sound as if the purpose of government is providing jobs for every politician's child. Oh, wait .
Yeah, cause we all know how much more glamorous it is to be working in the public sector instead of the private sector. Actually, Megan, it makes it sound as if there are dedicated people out there who want to make the government the glorious safeguard against tragedy that reasonable people know it can be.
10:26 A friend reminds me of the time I fell asleep in mid-sentence--my sentence. Apparently, the governnor is causing flashbacks.
Um, what?
10:28 Yes, snark is beneath me. But what else can you do? The speeches are totally content-free.
So is your blog. Maybe we should do away with them both, eh?
10:40 t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-hat's all folks!
Man, she does a NICE Porky Pig. I can't believe I survived that.

5 comments:

NutellaonToast said...

Also, yeah, I used the word also too many times. I'll learn to write this in word or something so proof reading long posts isn't such a bitch.

spencer said...

Commas go between clauses, Megan, but you're retarded so it'll never happen.

Here's another point, albeit a minor one: If she's trying to engage in HipSpeak, shouldn't she have written "I loves me some trade deals"?

She can't even get intentionally bad grammar right.

9:42 President Bush says that 80,000 Iraqi citizens are fighting the terrorists. This implies something disturbing about the other 25,920,000 Iraqi citizens.

Uh, Megan, I think you need to subtract as much as 700,000 from that last number.

10:06 The commentators are discussing the possibility that George Bush will achieve piece in Israel/Palestine as if this were remotely feasible.

Achieve a piece of what?

10:28 Yes, snark is beneath me.

"On the other hand, flinging my own feces at the computer and calling it a blog post is right at my level. Have I ever told you about my MBA from the University of Chicago?"

Clever Pseudonym said...

Even anticipating what I expected to be nutella's usual humorous responses to Megan's idiocy, I couldn't make it past 9:18. Sorry, her writing is just too painful on a regular day, but live blogging the State of the Union address? It might kill me to read even edited portions of it.

M. Bouffant said...

Further proof that the very concept of "live blogging" is as idiotic as it gets, no matter who's doing it, or what's being "live blogged."

Stop it, all of you!!

NutellaonToast said...

Thanks clever! I'm glad you find me humorous. As I mentioned, I'm quite out of practice with writing and I'm glad to see that I'm not terrible, in someone's eyes anyway.