Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Unintentional Honesty Via Rank Stupidity

I've been sitting on this lil gem a while now. Consider this a practice post before I start back in on Megan's poopstream. And now, brought to you by Big Hollywood,

A LOVE LETTER (To Glenn Beck) by Victoria Jackson

I think of you often.
None of the following is made up or in any way altered for added comedic effect.
I’m getting my fake fingernails put on and I’m thinking of you. I have a pitch meeting at Pie Town tomorrow and I chewed all my real fingernails off last night watching Anita Dunn express her admiration for Mao Tse Tung. Thank you for exposing yet another enemy of our freedom. You are so passionate and curious and smart and real. Sigh. I look at my Vietnamese manicurist and pedicurist and smile. I ask them their names. Katie. Kathy. Hmm. I glance around the nail salon. The decor is...
Hmm, indeed.
The woman next to me is speaking Armenian into her cell phone. I can’t really discuss politics with Katie and Kathy, language barrier, so I glance at the TIME magazine next to my arm. Some liberal, Joe Klein is trying to tell the truth about ObamaCare, but not quite pulling it off. Then, he attacks my Rush and my Beck and my heart speeds up. My cheeks turn red. He writes, “…it is also possible that the Limbaugh and Glenn Beck – inspired poison will spread from right-wing nutters to moderates and independents…” Poison? Poison?

Truth… is Poison to the guilty. It stings.
Her Rush and her Beck are poisoning us.... with truth. The truth will set you free kill you.
Glenn Beck, I must confess I love the other Truth Tellers too; Breitbart, Giles, O’Keefe, Hannity, Ziegler, Rush, Rove, Crowley, Ingraham, Hewitt, Huckabee, Jindal, Miller, Palin, Prager, Pawlenty, Weaver, Gingrich, Keyes, and of course, Jesus, the Ultimate Truth. (John 14:6)
If Sarah can't beat em, Pawlenty can! Yaaaaay team Jebus!
But I must especially thank you Glenn Beck for your blackboard. I love your blackboard! And your thorough research. Your facts. Your diagrams. Your teaching. Finally, someone is clearly explaining to us, the taxpayers, exactly what is happening inside that mysterious, gigantic, corrupt political system we have. We, the working middle class, have always been afraid of the machine, and I think the politicians/criminals wanted it that way.
It takes a mind capable of the logical consistency behind saying "We, the working middle class" and "I’m getting my fake fingernails put on and I’m thinking of you. I have a pitch meeting at Pie Town tomorrow" to find Glenn Beck's blackboard and diagrams to be clear.
However, let's not gloss over the clear eliminationist tones of her next few lines. I'm not worried about Victoria Jackson coming to get me in the night, but then that's not the point.
With their pompous, pious faces and sneaky hands, they have been stealing and lying. We were too busy raising children, working and going to church to have time to research them. Now, finally, one man has done it. Cracked the Code. Exposed the Fraud. Shone the Light on the Basement Rats! Now, the rats are all scurrying around, all nervous. They are calling The Man With The Flashlight names. Mean names. Squeak! Squeak!
Glenn Beck uses truth to poison the rats. He's a virtual exterminator of vermin.
Glenn Beck, thank you for answering my questions. One day I was wondering who those “czars” were who had slipped into the White House, under the radar…I flipped your show on, and you told me! It’s like you read my mind! One day I was wondering what real doctors think of ObamaCare, not the fake doctors Obama rigged for his photo shoot, but real ones. I popped on your show, and there you all were…debating, having a real discussion, like grown ups. Obama’s speeches are all fake and they say nothing. Cotton candy for stupid people. But, you Glenn Beck, you are a thinker. Like me. You are unbiased. Like me. You are simply seeking Truth, just like me.
Victoria Jackson just called you stupid, and herself a thinker. Merry late Jebusmas.
I'm going to keep quoting long chunks of her post, because it's worth it.
If one day, Glenn Beck, you become embroiled in a scandal, and you turn out to be imperfect as all heroes put up on pedestals turn out to be, I will forgive you and forever be grateful for one thing…the elegant way you introduced the Green Jobs Czar, Mr. Van Jones to the public and then ushered him silently out the door. That was awesome! ( It also helps me prove the fact that Obama is a Communist. A Capitalist would not appoint a Communist as an advisor! ) It was as exciting as watching Giles/O’Keefe/Breitbart bring down the corrupt Acorn. This is great stuff! To you heroes, we thank you. We really, really, really love you. You’re cool. You’re brave. You’re smart. And, you tell the truth!
And your dick is so big! And now the money shot;
The truth has a beautiful ring to it. It pours smoothly through the ears and forms a golden, peaceful puddle in the heart. It reassures one that there is still a drop of good in the world. Truth is Beautiful.
The truth... forms a puddle. In the heart. I'd point out the inherent flaw in her assumption that the truth is pleasant to hear but if you've made it this far you can't hear me over your laughter.
She has more to say, but I think we'll end this long post with the picture she included, about which no comment is necessary.


FGFM said...

Thank you, Stalin. Thank you because I am joyful. Thank you because I am well. No matter how old I become, I shall never forget how we received Stalin two days ago. centuries will pass, and the generations still to come will regard us as the happiest of mortals, as the most fortunate of men, because we lived in the century of centuries, because we were privileged to see Stalin, our inspired leader. Yes, and we regard ourselves as the happiest of mortals because we are the contemporaries of a man who never had an equal in world history.

NutellaonToast said...

a golden puddle, eh?

Clever Pseudonym said...

Well, at least we know that during all those years on SNL, she wasn't actually pretending to be stupid.

Susan of Texas said...

Isn't Pie Town the production company that does a design show on HGTV?

Yeah, gOOgle says that they produce reality shows--boring crap and house porn. House Hunters International, Design on a Dime. What does that dimwit think she's going to do for them?

Ah, here we go! A new show is looking for talent--"Are you preparing for the Apocalypse? Do you have a survival plan? We're looking for people all over the country with REAL fears abou the possible upcoming apocalypse of 2012! If this sounds like you, please tell us your story and include a description of yourself, your feelings about 2012, and specifically what you're doing to prepare. ***We are only looking for poeple who are truly serious abou this topic.***

Mr. Wonderful said...

Wait--is that her doing the handstand?

It's like a photo-collage of krazee for an album cover in 1971.

NutellaonToast said...

ohhhh. das who dat is.

also, too

"Jackson married Nisan Mark Eventoff, who was a fire-eater, in 1984. They had one daughter, Scarlet. They divorced in 1990. She was reunited in 1991 with her high school sweetheart, Paul Wessel, a police helicopter pilot for Dade County Florida. They were married and have a daughter, Aubrey. The family lives in California.[5]"

M. Bouffant said...

From the "Two Great Minds" file, esp. the last blockquote, most of which wasn't quoted here.

Not blog-pimpin', just saving you all a click to Big Hose.

Andrew said...

"Golden peaceful puddle in the heart."

I'm sorry, guys. She is joking. She is faking it. She is pulling everyone's leg. There is NO WAY that happened by accident.

jim said...

Lady needs new glasses. That puddle isn't golden, it's brown - & it's made of something, but it sure as hell isn't "Truth" if the stink is any indication.

Referencing Karl "We Create Our Own Reality" Rove as a Truth Teller? Definitely pitching a Comedy No-Hitter there. As it were. Also.

jre said...

I was larfing my ass off about how everyone there and here had been pwned by the little blonde with the peepy voice, when I discovered that in some hideously demented way she is actually in earnest:

"Socialized medicine makes people die. You stand in a long, long line with a breast lump, clogged artery, or sharp pencil stuck in your eye, and someone like the DMV person, who can't speak English, has chewing gum, an attitiude [sic], really long fake nails that curl up at the end, and is talking on a cell phone, enjoying their power trip moment, is finally face to face with you. They mumble something incoherent about paperwork. You die. One less person in line for Social Security and Medicare!"

And then there is the photo, recalling the cute handstand she used to do on SNL, but now with the grotesque ass and the cellulite and the deranged teabag posters in the background ...

Oh, God.

I badly need some reason to go on living at the moment, but I'm not finding it.